I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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