new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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