apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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