I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize