Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
