so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize