My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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