there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
