The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
