We won't sleep together?
it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
