dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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