Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
