I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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