Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Randomize
