dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
