omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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