why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
