i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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