Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
