Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
