i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
