I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize