Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
