I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
