my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
