I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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