Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
It's Friday. Sex?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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