when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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