Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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