I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
