it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
