I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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