Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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