I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
