PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Randomize
