puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you told grandpa to call you daddy
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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