Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
