So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
