Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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