Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
