It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
