from now on my penis is your penis
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
