I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
After tacos, we're chasing women.
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