I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm always down for nudity.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
