Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Dicks are not precious.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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