She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
