Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm like, not good at living.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
