Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Pants are for mortals
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
