I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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