You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I want to be your penis for a week.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
