i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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