i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
