All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
