The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
