God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
