70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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