Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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