he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
