my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize