im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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